Is it possible to grieve for a child who is alive? To wonder and miss the life you thought they would have but can’t?
I see a lot of posts saying that people wouldn’t change their child and that autism is part of who they are. They say that given the chance, they would have their child exactly as they are. I admire these people and I really wish I could share their sense of peace with the status quo or their wish to keep things as they are. If I’m honest, if I could take away J’s autism I would.
Is it wrong to think of and be sad for the person you thought your child would or could become? For the potential that will never be realised and the future that is so drastically different from the one you envisioned when thinking of having children? Is it awful to wish it could have been different and that events had taken a different turn? These thoughts have me very conflicted. On one hand I know I am lucky. Lucky to have him and to know him, to see all that he achieves in spite of his difficulties, to see how hard he tries and how much he perseveres. On the other hand I look back at his birth and the issues surrounding it that I hold responsible for the issues he now has. I wish that none of that had happened and that he could be living a ‘normal’ life, free from the burden put upon him by his disabilities. A life like his brother and sister can have, albeit restricted for now by the need to support J as we do.
I know I’m lucky he lived through it and survived to come out the other side of his birth and post birth experiences. Someone once said to me that if he had died we would have grieved and moved on from it but this way we are trapped in a constant grief for what could have been, always wondering if things could have been different. I was horrified by this thought. Of course I would never have wished the alternative. He’s a miracle and amazes me every day. I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine a life without him. He’s taught me so much and I still tell myself that it all happens for a reason, though sometimes I find it hard to understand that reason.
I often find myself worrying about what the future holds for J and how he will cope or be looked after when we are no longer around. I worry about how people will treat him out in the big bad world and how he will deal with this. I wonder if he will ever be able to have a job or to live by himself. If he will ever meet someone and fall I love. If he can’t will he know what he’s missing out on and how will this affect him?
I love J so much, I love who he is and his personality. I love his little quirks and that way he smiles at me when he’s up to no good and hoping I will either not notice or just let him away with it! I can’t actually imagine him being any other way than he is.
Why then do I have these other thoughts? The ones where I wish he didn’t have he start in life that he did? The ones where he doesn’t have a global developmental delay or autism or speech difficulties? I read often on the subject of autism awareness and acceptance and many people very eloquently advocate for acceptance of people just as they are. They say they wouldn’t change their children even if they could. I am all for this and believe that we should all accept people as they are. I am an advocate of being kind, always. I fight for my child and his needs and his rights. I find out what’s good, what’s needed and I seek to get it for him. I accept J as he is, for the person he is and I love him unconditionally for it. Does this mean I can’t wish he didn’t have his difficulties?
If I’m completely honest I would take away his autism if I could. Not for me or for anyone else out there but for J and the potential he’s missing out on, for his future and the opportunities he could have, for his present and the difficulties he faces and for his past and the struggles he’s had to overcome. I would take it all away in a second because I’m his mum and it’s my job to make his passage through this life as easy and good as it can be. It’s my job to look after him and give him the best opportunities and chances I can. If I had he chance to change all of that for him then of course I would. It doesn’t mean I love him any less as he is, it doesn’t mean I don’t accept him for who he is and love his little personality. It means I’m able to accept my son as he is, to love and support him in the life he currently has but that given the chance to take away his struggles I would do it in a heartbeat. Why then do I feel so guilty for the thoughts of the life that could have been?
I suppose then that in answer to my question I would mostly like to change the start to life J had. I would like him to be less frustrated by being able to communicate his needs. I would like him to not be overwhelmed by the world around him at times and to know how to cope with his worries in a less stressful way for him.
I wouldn’t want to change his loving, smiling, fun and caring personality. I wouldn’t want to change how much he loves me and how often he shows me this. I wouldn’t want to take away his innocence in how he sees things and the wonder he gets from even the littlest of things at times. I sometimes wish I could see the world through his eyes and capture the raw joy in what he experiences.
Would taking away his autism change these other things? I don’t really think so. Autism is a part of who J is but it’s not the whole. He is so much more than his autism, so capable and resilient in spite of the difficulties and challenges it throws at him. Maybe having these challenges helps to shape in into the little character he is but when I see him distressed and in full meltdown mode I can’t help but wish it was different for him.