Mainly my posts are about J and how he’s doing; his progress, achievements and lessons we’ve learned along the way. I try to look for the positives, even amongst the bad experiences. I also thought it would be good to share today’s experience. I realised my posts highlight difficulties but mainly celebrate how we overcame it or what we learned from it. I decided it might also be good to admit that sometimes this is a very hard thing to do. Sometimes I have to try extremely hard to see the up side of some things and to feel good about any part of some days we’ve had. Sometimes I fail to see these positives at all. When this happens I don’t particularly like to talk about it; preferring to ignore it and try to just move on. Lately I’ve decided this isn’t healthy. I need to face the bad with the good and find a way to keep going in spite of these experiences. So, if the good stories are all you like to read please give up now, as this one is not only bad but it’s ugly!
Today has not been a good day. He got up quite early and woke my in-laws, who are staying with us for a couple of nights, by going into their room and throwing himself onto their bed. He wasn’t keen on breakfast he was offered, though he eventually gave in and ate it. He then wanted to eat a bit of everything he could find in the fridge and cupboards.
After this he settled slightly, watching his iPad to calm him down. He then started to back into me, wriggle and bump me aggressively, resulting in the iPad being removed and a bit of a meltdown. Once he settled from this he played with some of his trains and trucks, though he was upset when my in-laws went out for a short time to view a house. Again, I was on the receiving end of his outburst. I ache all over from the resulting wrestling match.
Once they came back we got ready to go to a local park for the kids to get some fresh air and the boys to hopefully burn off some pent up energy. Even getting shoes on and out to the car was an ordeal. J whined and cried, wanting to go out but not wanting to get ready to do it. When we reached the park he headed straight for the swings, as he always does. Thankfully there was no one on them. Heaven help us if there had been.
After a long swing, he eventually agreed to come off and play with a couple of other things. This amused him for a short time before he decided he wanted to stand in front of the flying fox whilst people were on it! He was not at all happy when I moved him on. This was when he decided he wanted back into the swing, though this time they were all occupied. The result was not good. We decided to call it a day and head home, another unpopular decision it would seem. After wrestling J back to and into the car we returned home, where his behaviour did not improve any.
He wouldn’t sit at the dinner table and the only way I could get him to eat was by allowing him to go to and from the table between mouthfuls. Some might say I was allowing him to misbehave and not to follow the rules/routines we have set. To be honest, by this point I was really past caring. I just wanted him to eat and I didn’t really want to be battered in the process. After dinner I allowed him iPad time to try to settle him to sit down before it was time to get ready for bed and to try to give me time to put away some washing and tidy up the dinner dishes. To begin with I thought it was going quite well. Then I realised it was because he had sneaked off to do a massive poo in his nappy (so that I couldn’t try to put him on the toilet when I noticed it was what he was doing!) You would think this isn’t too bad as at least I could just change him and get him in pjs. Oh how I wish! When I say massive, I mean massive. It was an operation just to get him cleaned up and into clean pjs before washing out the clothes he had on and cleaning up the mat etc. I then had to check where he had been to make sure he hadn’t left any behind. Aren’t my Friday night’s such fun?!
He calmed down a little after this and I thought maybe he was tired and would settle a little. Then the two boys decided they wanted to go out the back for one last play with Gran before bed. J managed to get hold of water and soak himself, all whilst whining and crying incessantly. B also started crying because he didn’t have water and the result was me ordering them both back into the house, changing them and then wrestling with J, as they both cried and whined at me at full volume. After many minutes of this and trying to wrangle with them to get them ready, I was also in tears. I tried so hard not to let it take hold. J doesn’t like it if I cry and he gets more upset. I had just had enough and I couldn’t hold the tears back. Eventually I wrestled the tooth brushing and put them to bed, where I then sat on the couch in their room to write this and wait for them to fall asleep.
So, as I sit here I am trying to talk myself off the ledge, trying to calm my nerves and allow my body some much-needed time to recover from the exertions of the day. I am trying to think of a positive thing I can take from the day. I am trying to look at what I have learned or what this experience has shown me. So far I have zilch.
- Did I learn why he was upset for so much of the day? No
- Did I find new ways to soothe or calm him when these things happen? No
- Did I learn how to cope with my own emotions when I see him like this and my heart breaks a little bit more? No
- Did I succeed in showing or teaching him anything to help him cope? No
None of this. So what did I do? The answer is, not much. Sometimes there isn’t much I can do. Sometimes we just have to ride out the storm and try to repair some of the damage once it has passed. Sometimes I just have to feel that little bit more powerless and that little bit more helpless. I have no lesson from today, no positive experience or outcome. I am still thankful that we are safe and healthy. There are a lot of terrible things happening in the world and at least, for now, we have not experienced it. Long may that continue. I suppose I just have to move on and look to the future. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?